“I have the capability to self-soothe” – Georgia’s story

Georgia, who experiences anxiety, depression and autism spectrum disorder (ASD), sheds light on the coping mechanisms she has learnt over the years.

My name is Georgia. I’m 23 years old and I’m autistic. My struggle with mental health has been consistent throughout my life. Being autistic contributes to this, as has being undiagnosed until I was 18.

But this blog doesn’t focus on my ASD. Instead, I want to speak about my journey in the most general way I can, in the hope that anyone who relates to what I have been through, autistic or not, can take something away from what I have written. I want to acknowledge that this is my experience and that it will not apply to everyone, however, this is how I feel I’ve made significant steps in my recovery journey.

From what I can tell from the media and the people around me, when most people look back on their childhood, there is a sense of nostalgia. They miss the excitement and innocence that comes with youth. They miss being at school with their friends every day. I don’t.

I have always struggled to control my emotions. I still do. But now, I understand how my brain works. I have coping mechanisms and the ability to communicate well. All things that I lacked as a child, leaving me a confused ball of energy, constantly about to burst with no idea when, why or how to stop it.

Sadness and anger have always been the hardest emotions to navigate. Sadness because it seems endless and anger because it is so destructive. As a child, the things I was struggling with revealed themselves through a tendency to cry a lot and what others saw as “temper tantrums”.

As a teenager, the ways in which I expressed the difficulties that I was experiencing internally became far more worrying. That’s how I first landed myself in front of a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with depression and anxiety at the age of 14.

I feel it’s important to share that as a teenager struggling with mental health issues, I didn’t always act like a good person. My behaviour often caused strain in my relationships with family, friends, and romantic partners. The less I cared about my own wellbeing, the less I cared about those around me. And the more I hurt those around me, the worse I felt, the less I cared about my own wellbeing, and so on.

This vicious cycle felt never ending for many years. Now looking back on my childhood and adolescence, I am sad that I missed the carefree youth most people experience. However, I know that learning hard lessons at a young age has set me up for a more stable and happy adulthood.

For me, taking responsibility for my own actions has been a crucial part of putting this cycle to a halt. Mental illness trapped me in a victim complex, where I would lay more of the blame for my unhealthy behaviours on how I’d been triggered rather than how I responded poorly to those triggers. Since I’ve taken the responsibility to do my best to help myself, I’ve been suffering significantly less. My internal narrative has shifted.

Although depression makes it harder to get out of bed in the morning, I know that I can, and that if I don’t, I’ll ruminate on the darkest parts of my mind. And although anxiety tries to convince me I need external crutches, I know that I have the capability to self-soothe and get by without unhealthy habits or comfort blankets that delay my recovery. Starting therapy and taking medication have been really helpful in motivating me and reinforcing these narratives.

I’d like to acknowledge that this journey is ongoing. The hardest part about my mental illness is that it reinforces damaging behaviours, and those behaviours in turn reinforce the mental illness. However, the more I have practiced defying what I feel like doing when I am struggling, and instead doing what I know will help me, the less I have felt regularly affected by my mental illnesses.

Mental illness does not control me, I do. Realising this has been deeply empowering. Working on reclaiming my autonomy has allowed me to create a happier, more stable life.